aslan & jess have become my world. they are my poetry & they are my love. i am not sure which one is which, though they must be separate on some grounds, somehow. however, if love & poetry truly are the same thing, i will just have to hold them both together. i love them both & i want them both forever. the synonyms threaten to suffocate my intent.
i feel hysterical & i sound insane. i am sinking fast & i know it. let me sink let me sink let me sink.
let me sink.
we are driving - the three of - down to big sur this weekend. kerouac's refuge and braughtigan's first novel-inspiration. i am ecstatic. we will be camping for three days, finding a quiet spot a few miles from somewhere (or anywhere). i am going to propose to them - both of them - but i am still unsure what the proposal will be. propose that they let me in, truly. perhaps. i will write it down first. i will recite to them the sounds of the waves and the sounds of my mind & they will have to say yes to everything - as i have learned to do. i have been writing nothing but poetry all week.
i still have no job & camping seems to be the logical solution to unemployment. though san francisco will come back to me when i come back to her, for three days i will forget. there are 259200 seconds in three days - and perhaps even more moments - and i plan to exist in each and every one of them. is there a measurement for moments? i hope not.
i live on dangerous grounds. the ceiling might collapse. the floor might give out.
i have found something constant, between the ceiling and the floor (between the ground and the sky). i have found something that exists and i'm sure of it.
i'm fucked. i've said it before. it's a cheap statement & i say it again. let me be cheap. let me sink.
take it all in and let it all out. over & over & over & over.
i will love all the same.
Jackson, I don't believe you are going insane or that you are "fucked." I think what you have written here is beautiful. There is no measurement for moments, only a measurement for what we make them! Keep your head up!
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think I just had my first Rabbinical moment :)
Love is something fresh that keeps everything else in perspective. I too have found adoration of another. I cannot stop thinking of her, and in the midst of all the craziness in my worlds, she keeps it steady, Grandma Gallowitz is right, you write quite beautifully and have a way with words. Something that doesn't exist in my world today. Keep your notes close to you, it might be the only thing you have in the end.
ReplyDeletewhere have you been?! Are you still alive?! are you ok?! I'm worried. If i don't hear from you within the next 3 hours I'm going to call the police and have them start looking for you ok???
ReplyDelete